Turnbull:
Prepare to be undone, SHAKINO BII !!
B-chan:
*GASP!* WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT NAME?!
Turnbull:
*cackle* As an anthropologist,
I am privy to the great secrets of ancient humanity,
including your precious geneaology!
A-chan:
... B is human?
Turnbull:
I KNOW YOUR TRUE IDENTITY, SHAKINO BII !!
THE GREAT PESKY BEE OF THE YANOMAMO, SHAKI,
IS KNOWN TO ME!!
A-chan:
"Pesky bee...?" Pesky bee B?
Hey, that has kind of a ring to it.
B-chan:
My brave dingo-mounted mini-B-woks!
Engage the Pygmy forces!
A-chan:
Pushy pesky bee B!
(Ten thousand dingo-mounted mini-B-woks
face off against the forty Pygmies.)
B-chan:
Do not fight them, my mini-B's!
Merely engage in a limited duration
protective reaction strike!
A-chan:
Pushy picky pesky bee B!
B-chan:
I'm not picky! I am carefully selecting my
language to distort reality and corrupt the mind,
to avoid responsibility and make the
negative appear positive!
A-chan:
Ooooh, naughty pushy picky pesky bee B!
B-chan:
Okay, you can stop that now.
A-chan:
Naughty party-poopy pushy picky pesky bee B!
B-chan:
I said you could stop. That's an indirect order.
A-chan:
High-n-mighty naughty party-poopy
pushy picky pesky bee B!
B-chan:
Shut up, A.
A-chan:
High-n-mighty naughty party-poopy
pushy-pushy picky pesky bee B!
Turnbull:
My BaMbuti Pygmy friends!
Destroy the mini-B's, and then the harem boys!
I am not content to have the largest penis in the Pygmy village—
MINE MUST BE THE BIGGEST PENIS IN THE WORLD!!
Marlboro Man:
*scoff* So long as I breathe, that shall never be!
Turnbull:
Which is why you, too, along with A-chan, must die!
And by my molimo!
A-chan:
High-n-mighty fickle flighty naughty-naughty
party-poopy — WHAT DID HE SAY?!
B-chan:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!
Turnbull has to off A-chan before
he can have the biggest penis in the world!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!!
A-chan:
That ain't funny!
B-chan:
Sure it is!!
A-chan:
Not funny like,
high-n-mighty ditzy dirty flirty fickle flighty
naughty-naughty party-poopy pushy-pushy picky pesky bee B!
B-chan:
.........
A-CHAN
Real name: Onino Ei
Age: 20 (in 2001)
Star sign: Taurus
Height: 170cm (5'7")
Blood type: A
"I feel so... violated... somehow... sort of... not really...
Is this accomplishing anything yet?"
A-chan was born a Taurus in the year of the Rooster. Bull-headed and cocky in life, her attitude wasn't improved a great deal by death. In a freak accident involving a Seed of Possession, slapstick bracelets, a riding crop, popcorn, a bra, and a starfish, A-chan was undone just two days before her sixteenth birthday in 1997.
A number of factors played into her ascent from the afterlife. She was hella pissed that she was just two days away from her driving test, she was angry that she never completed her manga (for that had been her life-long dream), and she was furious that all three of her boyfriends were able to find dates less than a week after her demise. Such overwhelming dark emotion gave A-chan a rush like no six-pack of JOLT ever had... and it spawned A-chan's reincarnation—as a vengence-bent Oni!! Fangs, pointy ears, ego, ungodly strength, dark powers, the whole bit.
It was around this time that A-chan met the charming, if somewhat lackadaisical, elven enchantress B-chan. One of them pointed and said to the other: "You have Spock ears." To which the other replied: "So do you." From there, a highly compatible friendship was formed. Aligned with hope, hunger, greed, and boredom, the unlikely pair ventured into the anime universe to see what havok could be wrought.
A-chan learned quickly that dark powers weren't much fun. As a child, she had played games of bloody knuckles and shin kicking (for the prize of the losing kids' lunch money) until her opponents cried out for their mommies. Combat was completely unsatisfying unless all the parties involved—both the champions and the defeated—left with bruises. Big ones. Purple. Add points for blood. For this reason, A-chan refuses to use her Oni magic. And happily, if need ever arises, she can simply turn to B-chan and say, "Nuke the jerk, wouldja?"
As time passed, their numbers grew, and A/B-chan acquired free labor in the form of harem boys. They continue their adventures today with the blessings of the divine Cosmos.
B-chan:
It is below me, B-I-am!
Below me to wait for this Highwayman!
B am I! I am B!
And satisfaction is what B needs!
Come to me, Joaquin!
Joaquin:
RIGHT AWAY, MY LADY B-SAN!!
Slade:
!?!??!?!?!
A-chan:
Saaaay.... B-chan? Why Joaquin and not Slade?
B-chan:
Duh, silly A!
"Joaquin" rhymed with "B" and "needs" better than "Slade!"
Slade:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A-chan:
But B-chan...
wouldn't "Teknoman" make a really nice rhyme with "Highwayman"?
B-chan:
That's true, too...
It would be perfectly acceptable to change the rhyme scheme from
A, A, B, B, B to A, A, B, B, A.
A-chan:
In fact, B-chan, wouldn't it be better?
B-chan:
Uuum... Yeah! Come to me, Teknoman!
Joaquin:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slade:
HAW HAW! EAT THAT, LOSER!!
A-chan:
But it would also be far more conventional.
Don't you usually prefer to work outside the
traditional restrictions of rhyme scheme patterns?
B-chan:
That's also true!
In that case... Come to me, um, um—
who do I really want right now?
Mmm... Matthew McConaughey in an unoccupied elevator...
Slade:
.......
Joaquin:
.......
Darshu:
Abandon traditional rhyme, baby...
Summon DARK SCHNEIDER,
THE TRANSMIGRATED BIG DICK!
B-CHAN
Real name: Arumaitiihitono Bii
Age: 20 (in 2001)
Star sign: Aries
Height: 167cm (5'6")
Blood type: A (not B)
"A, that's so cute!
He wants to start something with us!"
A long, long time ago, there were dinosaurs. Then the dinosaurs croaked and kicked the proverbial bucket. Then, many, many years later, came Richard Simmons. Somewhere in between sprung a disaster named Arumaitiihitono Bii. Born of unknown origin, the green-eyed, brown-haired elven mistress of magic came into the world as a force of destruction to be reckoned with.
Intent on taking over the world, Arumaitiihitono Bii studied black magic and proved herself to be a very astute student in the dark arts. Sorcery, wizardry, enchantments, you name it, she knew it all. If not for the Almighty One, Australia would have become Bii's backyard, and the oceans of the world her swimming pool. The Almighty One sealed away the evil side of her personality, and the world was safe once again, left in the hands of Saddam Hussein and Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Unfortunately, Bii was deterred from her hell-bent mission to take over the world... with a price. As her evil side was vital to her personality to maintain balance, her entire persona was thrown out of whack. Fortunately for her, she found solace and companionship in her best friend, an equally whacked oni named Onino Ei (just don't tell them they're whacked or the angels will weep for you). Now, together, they travel about the world in search of new adventure, new boys to add to their harems of seven, sacrifices to make to the great Cosmos, and new evils (such as Canadians and boy bands) to vanquish.
Though still capable of massive amounts of destructive magic (hellfire and brimstone, etc.), B-chan finds more entertainment with enchantments. She delights in using her magic to punish her submissives. She especially loves playing with neurotic and paranoid sorts with her "nightmare" line of spells. What she loves to do even more, actually, is stack insanity spell after insanity spell on hapless men and female tarts. She hates tarts.
Slightly lackadaisical and not altogether there most times, she's teamed up with A-chan to rid the world of Spitty Sprees™ and tarts in the name of the Cosmos, their common deity.
Xelloss:
Dude, you ain't got the balls to go up there.
Stand back, little man.
Zenki:
Yo' momma! I have to piss!
Xelloss:
Stupid.
(pauses a moment)
Puny knave, I've nae the patience to
interpret to thee the holy rites of men.
Zenki:
Huh?
Hameln:
They're doing the "peeing and staring into space" contest, Zenki.
Observe. (points to Slade) Slade approached the urinal first,
an EVEN numbered one, at that, in defiance.
His point was to prove his "cool-ness" and claim his territory using a urinal,
since men nowadays don't piss on trees anymore to do that.
Zenki:
They don't?
(All eyes roll.)
Hameln:
No, they don't.
Zenki:
So what's that gotta do with 3-D Hoo-ah-keen?
Hameln:
Well, Joaquin came and occupied the urinal next to Slade's,
which is a bigtime no-no.
You never invade another man's privacy at the urinals unless
you're (A) gay or (B) trying to piss him off.
You never, never, never ever take the a urinal next to
another man's when other urinals are open.
Zenki:
You don't?
Hameln:
Boys of A, haven't you ever informed Zenki on
the delicate matters of men and lavatories?
Chiaki:
No. Zenki uses the little kiddy
port-a-potty in the corner.
Zenki:
....
Chiaki:
Of course, that's only when he's not wearing
his huggies underwear/diaper things.
Zenki:
.....
Tasuki:
DUH!
Chiaki:
(holding his sides and laughing)
Duh! DUH-duh!
Zenki:
(shaking his head disapprovingly)
Duuuuuhhh.
Tamahome:
DUH?
