(Rod Serling steps forth from a shadow and into a spotlight.)
Rod Serling: In the presence of Light, Darkness immediately ceases to be. If denied the power of Light, however, Darkness grows and festers, and all that are drawn into the Dark become lost. Welcome to another edition of... the Twilight Zone. A-chan is a demonic dominatrix like any other. She and her elven friend B-chan each command a harem of seven males. Up until now, they have lived their days in the Light, but today, a shadow has been cast upon their harems...
(A-chan awakens one bright, sunny morning in her Domme Tower of Pain Near the Sea. She scritchy-scratches, rolls out of bed, and wanders off in the direction of the porcelain god. She passes a mirror ... and stops dead in her tracks. She takes a slow step backward and turns to look her reflection straight-on.)
A-chan: ........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(A-chan is wearing ... TARTY CLOTHING!!!!)
(Then it echoes from B-chan's Mansion Directly By the Sea...)
B-chan: ........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(A-chan races down the spiral stairs of the Domme Tower of Pain, and is surprised by a number of things: [1] the males failed to bring her breakfast in bed, [2] the stalker-males were not perched at her window, pining to be let in, [3] the tower is not dazzlingly clean as it should be, [4] there are no males in sight, begging and pleading to be given attention.
Puzzled, A-chan does not even stop to change her tarty clothing. She bursts out her front door and runs all the way to the Mansion By the Sea. During her five-minute jaunt, a storm begins to brew.
A-chan reaches the Mansion By the Sea, and thunder and lightning strike. Rain begins to pour down as she enters cautiously. There... in the center of the grande reception hall... is the sickest, strangest thing A-chan has ever beheld, and will ever behold in her life...
A-chan's males, and stalkers, and B-chan's harem boys, and her concubine-in-training have all surrounded the newest addition to the Mansion By the Sea: the Crucified Arshes Nei on the Crotch-Grabbing Michael Jackson Statue Which Spurts Water Forth from Its Finger Pointing to the Sky. For obvious reasons, this monolith shall hence be simply known as "Arshes.")
A-chan: My harem! What do you think you're doing?!??!
(The males fight and push to be closer to Arshes. Darshu leaps up and uses Ranma as a stepping-stone to Arshes' leg. Ranma flaps his arms and ends up falling face-first into the cold watery fountain. Female Ranma comes up, coughing for air.)
Female Ranma: What the hell was I doing...? Oh, my god, is that Arshes Nei?? *gag*gag* A tart!! Ew! Get it away!!
(Female Ranma does an Anything-Goes Martial Arts flippy-flop out of the fountain and into A-chan's arms.)
Female Ranma: AAAAHHH!!! A-sama!! Why are you dressed like a tart?!??!?
(A-chan attends to her own business before bothering with Ranma's queries. She punches him/her squarely in the gut.)
Female Ranma: Ow!!
A-chan: That's for trying to fondle a tart in my presence, insipid dilettante! As for my choice of attire this morning, it can be as easily explained as the fact that Arshes Nei has suddenly become desireable by every male on this island paradise.
Female Ranma: You have no idea?
A-chan: Exactly.
(B-chan comes running over to A-chan, also in tarty clothing.)
B-chan: A!!! There you are!!!
A-chan: B!!! Here you are!!!
B-chan: I would have used magic to zappo myself over to the D.T. of P., but, but, but.... I HAVE NO POWERS!!!!!
A-chan: I would have been here sooner, but there were no males to pull my rick-shaw..... AND SOMEONE STOLE MY WHIP!!!!!
B-chan: This is bad... I'm no longer a witch and you're no longer a dominatrix... and... we're both dressed in TARTY CLOTHING!
A-chan: Where are the mini-B's??
B-chan: All my mini-B-on's went with Utena to pick up supplies from the nearest continent 2,000 miles away!
A-chan: What's with the new center piece, B-chan?
B-chan: You mean Arshes? Well, she tried sneaking into my harem last night to get revenge on me by letting Darien off the Peeing John Travolta Statue. She was caught, though, so I decided to punish her by crucifying her on a statue as well.
A-chan: Why a Michael Jackson statue?
B-chan: The local Toys R Us was liquidating all their Michael Jackson merchandise, and it was 75% off.
A-chan: You always were a sucker for a liquidation sale... Okay, Ranma, permission to speak granted. Explain yourself!!
Female Ranma: Well.... When I was a male, everything was a blur, and Arshes seemed like a goddess to me. I completely forgot about you, A-sam—
(A-chan punches him/her again.)
A-chan: You may continue again.
Female Ranma: *cough* *wheeze* ... But then ... *cough* ... when I turned into a female... I suddenly had... the powers of logic and reasoning...
B-chan: That was to be expected.
(Lightning strikes, and for an instant, a dark and dreadful shadow is cast by the Michael Jackson statue.)
B-chan: Creepy...
A-chan: Weird...
Female Ranma: What an evil aura...
A-chan: First things first. B-chan, we need to change out of these tart clothes!!
B-chan: Ooooh, yes. Follow me. Ranma-chan, you can—
Female Ranma: OH, MY DEAREST B-SAMA!! I'M YOURS TO COMMAND!!!
B-chan: Oh, that's right. I forgot you're not mine anymore.
Female Ranma: *sniffle* You can still command me if you want...
B-chan: Nah, too much trouble.
A-chan: Just shut up and stand still, Ranma.
Female Ranma: Hai, A-sama...
(While A/B-chan are upstairs changing, the males pull Arshes down from crucified position and oggle over her. Luche crawls on her lap.)
Arshes: Aw, aren't you cute!
(Arshes, overcome by the cuteness of Luche, gives him a big, wet, nasty, tarty kissy. Luche's body contorts and spasms, and he becomes... DARK SCHNEIDER!!!!)
Arshes: Oh, wow! Now I have two of them!!! ONE FOR EACH LEG!!!
(Nuriko cuddles up on Arshes' lap, hoping to get a lovey smoochie, too.)
Nuriko: Oh, Lady Nei...
Arshes: Ewies! You're a girl! Ew! Get her off me! I'm not that way!! Ewers~
(Zenki and Tasuki leap to her rescue. They revert into dog-boys [as A-chan trained them to do—*sniffle*] and start snapping and biting at Nuriko. Zenki finally latches his fangs onto Nuriko's leg, Tasuki latches onto his shoulder, and they drag Nuriko out into the rain.)
(Touga does Arshes' hair. Hameln plays sweet music for her. Xelloss performs magic tricks. Ban fights with Aren for the right to sit closest to Arshes. Akashi kisses her hand. Slade promises to call her tomorrow, when he really intends not to do so for two weeks. Darien is still just trying to get circulation back into his left pinky toe after being let off the Peeing John Travolta Statue. Chiaki tricks Ryoga into going to the kitchen to bring chocolates to Arshes. Ryoga gets lost, but not before Tamahome extorts enough money from him to buy flowers for Arshes. Darshu and D.S. Luche lubricate Arshes' legs. Tasuki and Zenki return, curling up like faithful Rotweilers at Arshes' feet. Nuriko bangs on the door and begs to be let back in.)
(Just about this time, A/B-chan return.)
A-chan: ........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B-chan: ........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Female Ranma: That Michael Jackson statue has a really evil aura...
Arshes: I'm so happy! You can ALL join my harem!!
Males: YAY!!!!
B-chan: But that's forbidden by the Cosmos! No more than seven are allowed in a harem!
Arshes: Au contrer, mon — whatever! The Cosmos have come to me, saying that I may have as many concubines as I wish!
Female Ranma: About that statue, A-sama—
A+B-chan: No way!!
B-chan: The Cosmos...
A-chan: Have favored...
B-chan: Arshes Nei...
A+B-chan: Over us?!?!!
Female Ranma: I think it's important for you to know about that statue, A-sama. It's—
A-chan: We have to get to the bottom of this, B!!
B-chan: We must find the root and destroy it!
Female Ranma: Well, y'know, I think that maybe that statue—
A-chan: The mystery must be solved!
B-chan: But where should we begin?
Female Ranma: There's a chance that the statue is—
A-chan: I know!
B-chan: You have an idea?
A-chan: Yes! We wait until Utena gets back with the mini-B's, and then have them beat the males back to their senses!!
B-chan: Oooh, that's a good one, but what about the Cosmos?
Female Ranma: A-sama, that statue over there is really—
A-chan: Darnit, I dunno what we can do to regain the Cosmos' favor. Ranma-chan, you've been awful quiet, do you have any ideas?
Female Ranma: Actually, that statue—
A-chan: Of course not. What was I thinking?
B-chan: You should have known better than to ask, A-chan.
A-chan: It was the female thing. I forgot for a second that Ranma-chan's really just a big, fat disappointment.
B-chan: Oh, I used to do that all the time.
Female Ranma: If you'll just—
B-chan: OH MY GOD!!! THERE'S TWO DARSHU'S!!!!!!!!!!
A-chan: IS THAT LUCHE HUMPING ARSHES' LEG?!??!??!?!?!
B-chan: That means Arshes is a... virgin?
A-chan: Technically...
B-chan: ........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A-chan: ........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Many days pass in this way, and the rain and storms continue. A/B-chan investigate, and become motivated to solve the mystery as they are forced to rely more and more heavily on Female Ranma's cooking and cleaning and serving abilities. But they discover nothing more than a rash forming on Arshes' legs where she's been rubbed raw.)
(Then one day, the storms suddenly stop.)
Arshes: Boys~! I want you to move my Michael Jackson statue ~faaaaaar~ from all the windows. In fact, take it down into the basement, where there is no sunlight AT ALL!
Males: Right away, Almighty Mistress Arshes Nei-sama!
(The males all begin pushing and moving the statue. It takes every last one of them to budge the heavy thing.)
Arshes: Careful not to allow it to pass through any beams of sunlight!!
Males: Absolutely, Almighty Mistress Arshes Nei-sama!
(The males disappear into the dark, dank shadows. Little does Arshes know that Ranma-chan is eavesdropping on her, though...)
Arshes: Muahahaha... It is all working according to my evil plan. I knew that little B-witch would be unable to resist a liquidation sale! My timing was perfect. Finally, all the males are mine, and B-chan is left with nothing!! So long as my Michael Jackson fountain is not exposed to the light, I shall reign as Supreme Harem Goddess!!!!
Female Ranma: *gasp!* So it was planned all along! And the statue is the source of it ALL!! B-sama is relying on me now (even if she isn't listening to a word I say). It's up to me to save my beloved B-sama! But how can I possibly move that enormous fountain all by myself into the light...? ........ Wait! I know!!
(Meanwhile, A/B-chan contemplate the end.)
A-chan: *sigh*
B-chan: *sigh*
A-chan: They've all become a part of her harem.
B-chan: All except Ranma-chan.
A-chan: But we can't really rely on Ranma for much.
B-chan: I miss my concubines.
A-chan: I miss ... my whip.
(At this exact moment, the males have brought the Michael Jackson statue down into the darkest, dankest region of the basement. The Mansion By the Sea immediately loses its graceful curves and feminine decor... and becomes... A TESTOSTERONE PUB!!!! Slain, stuffed animal heads hang on the walls, gun racks are encased in glass, a rug covered in beer stains appears under their feet, a spittoon rests at the end of an alcohol-laden bar, and "Bass Masters" plays on a 50-inch monitor in the corner of the room by a box filled with power tools.)
A-chan: ........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B-chan: ........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(A/B-chan run screaming from B-chan's abode. They go to the only other place they know... A-chan's Domme Tower of Pain. But the D.T. of P. has been afflicted as well!! The techno-future iron spikes and spires have given way to delicate, pink flooffiness. A white picket fence occupies the place where decapitated heads on pikes once stood. Every Dungeon has been transformed into a tea room, and the smell of freshly-baked cookies permeates the air.)
A-chan: ........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B-chan: ........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Lost, desolate, and desperate, A/B-chan embrace each other and prepare for Armageddon... it certainly must be coming.)
(Meanwhile, back at the Testosterone Pub By the Sea...)
Female Ranma: *kick*kick* Wake up, Nuriko. *kick*punt*kick*
Nuriko: (shaking and starving, ill from infections in the places where he was gnawed on by Zenki and Tasuki) Ugh... Am I being allowed back in yet?
Female Ranma: Yeah. Arshes will take you back in, but on one condition.
Nuriko: What? What is it?? I'll do anything!! I'LL DO ANYTHING TO PLEASE LADY NEI!!!!!!!
Female Ranma: Well... Y'see, there's this statue... big Michael Jackson one... that she wants moved from the basement... up to the front lawn.
(One week later, things are all back to normal...)
B-chan: Wow... who'd have thunk Ranma was our hero?
A-chan: I almost feel bad about that whole thing I made him agree to... you know, "be the whipping boy whenever the other concubines misbehave." He's going to be in the Dungeon for a very long time after all that.
B-chan: I'm glad that Arshes imploded.
A-chan: Yeah, me too.
B-chan: And punching Darshu every four hours so he'll keep a swollen lip is sort of fun.
A-chan: And an excellent idea on your part! Otherwise, I'd never have been able to tell yours apart from mine. I just don't want to kiss mine to change him back until the exorcist uses Brillo pads to cleanse him. And he won't be arriving for another month.
B-chan: You're such a silly, A-chan! And not a tart, thank goodness!
A+B-chan: I hate tarts!
(Fade to black. Rod Serling steps back into a spotlight.)
Rod Serling: Darkness can lurk in the objects which seem Lightest (and which are sold at really cheap liquidation prices). But no matter how Light the Dark pretends to be, the Light will always prevail, because, afterall, all those skin-peels just make Darkness more Light-sensitive. The moral of our story is this: Even though famous singers or actors, like John Travolta or Michael Jackson, have survived the 70's and remained popular into the new millennium... In the end, there will be only cockroaches and Cher. Goodnight, and I will see you next week, in... the Twilight Zone.