A-chan: Hey, B, I'm bored. Make an unpolitically correct and snide comment.
B-chan: I'm all out of rude oxymorons.
A-chan: Argh!
B-chan: Sorry.
A-chan: Oh! I know!
(A whispers something in B's ear. B's eyes light up.)
B-chan: Hear ye, hear ye! I command a tournament! The harems of A and B shall fight to the death!
A-chan: Hey, wait...
B-chan: Oh... that's right. Correction, they shall fight till we deem the winners and losers!
A-chan: That's more like it.
B-chan: Jeez, sorry. I'm just so used to dictating death and cruel and unusual punishments.
(Like the gladiators of old, all the harem boys wait until it is their turn to fight their opponent in a large arena with A/B-chan sitting up high like mighty emperors. Of course, the favored ones, namely Slade, Luche, and Utena, sit with the harem mistresses.)
A-chan: Listen up, grunts! The fight will go like so—each male wife will fight the male wife of equal standing in the opposite harem!
B-chan: First up, Tamahome representing B, and Ranma representing A!
(Tamahome steps into the ring. Ranma drop kicks him. Tamahome cries.)
Tamahome: OW!
Ranma: I shall fight to defend the honor of B-sama!!!!!
(A-chan coughs.)
Ranma: *gulp* I mean, A-sama!
A-chan: That's better.
(Ranma kicks Tamahome in the gut again and sends Crab Boy reeling to the ground. Ranma looks up to the mistresses. B-chan stands and holds out her hand, then turns her thumb down.)
B-chan: Tamahome loses! Like that wasn't expected...
(B-chan sits and A-chan stands.)
A-chan: Next! Representing the harem of A, Zenki!!! He fights Dark Schneider, from the harem of B!!!
(Darshu and Zenki grumble.)
Darshu: AGAIN?
Zenki: Gaw!!!
B-chan: She said 'fight', boys, not 'gripe-like-women'.
A-chan: What my accomplice said. Now, shed blood!
(Zenki and Darshu get pushed into the Arena by Slade and Utena. Darshu begins casting immediately.)
Darshu: Raven!
(Darshu levitates and tries to fly out of the arena, but little does he know that B-chan has flying mini-B-ons riding about the premises on flying mini-brooms. The mini-B-ons beat him down with their mini-brooms and send him tumbling back to the arena. Once he is within vicinity, Zenki tries to maul him. Darshu casts again and Zenki fries. Zenki jumps and beats the daylights out of Darshu. Darshu casts again and Zenki burns. Zenki counters and kicks Darshu where the sun dun shine....)
(.... After 10 minutes of this, A/B decide their attention spans haven't the capacity to continue watching.)
A-chan: Stop!
B-chan: Tie!
A-chan: Get them out of the arena!
B-chan: We're sick of them!
(Slade drags the beaten down Darshu away, while Utena kicks the crispy Zenki out.)
(B-chan rises.)
B-chan: Representing the harem of B, Ryoga! He will battle Chiaki from the harem of A!!
(Crickets chirp. B-chan fries the crickets. Ants crawl along the balconey rails. B-chan fries the ants.)
Slade: B-san? (Nuriko screams)
B-chan: Yes?
Slade: We can't find Ryoga.
B-chan: ARRGGH!!!
(B-chan rises.)
B-chan: A-chan's Chiaki wins by default!
(B-chan sits as A-chan rises.)
A-chan: All right, insignificant ones! Tasuki from the harem of A will do battle with Touga from the harem of B!
(At the requests of Utena and B-chan, Touga and Tasuki fight it out "End of the World" style, each manned with rapiers and a rose on their chest.)
Tasuki: What the hell is this?! (he shakes the rapier, obviously oblivious as to how to use it.)
Touga: The first to lose the rose on their chest loses the match, friend.
Tasuki: Rose? What rose?
Touga: The one ON YOUR CHEST, (quickly resuming a friendly, yet condescending tone) 'friend'.
Tasuki: You mean this one?
(Tasuki looks down and pulls the rose off his chest and holds it to Touga.)
Tasuki: This one, right?
(A-chan stands.)
A-chan: The winner, Touga from the harem of B!
(She shoots a death-glare to Tasuki.)
(B-chan stands as A-chan sits.)
B-chan: Next, from the harem of B is Nuriko! He fights Xelloss from the harem of A!
(Nuriko gulps as Xelloss chuckles and throws him a "I own you, girly-boy" look. They both enter the arena and Nuriko begins running around like a madman. Xelloss runs after him. They run and run, neither stopping nor resting. Nuriko catches a glance of B-chan and realizes this is his chance to redeem himself to her. Nuriko throws a boulder at Xelloss and begins chasing him. Xelloss realizes that he's not sure if Nuriko is a man or woman, and his homophobia kicks in. Xelloss runs and runs and Nuriko chases him.)
(A/B-chan yawn, apparently bored.)
A-chan: STOP running like NANCIES!
B-chan: Another tie!
(A-chan rises.)
A-chan: Next from the harem of A is Ranma again! Luche doesn't fight. Ranma takes his place against Hameln from the harem of B!
(Ranma and Hameln enter the arena. Hameln whups out his violin and begins playing an Irish jig, which causes Ranma to dance about like a leprechaun.)
Ranma: Whu!?!?!
(A-chan gives the thumbs down.)
A-chan: Ranma loses! Now quick, get that dancing fool out of my sight! I'm going blind!
(Utena throws restraints on Ranma and tosses him in the Dungeon.)
B-chan: So who won?
A-chan: Utena-sama?
Utena: There were two victories for each side and two ties, Mistress.
B-chan: Dammit all, we have to do it all over again!
A-chan: That's a bad thing?
B-chan: No.
A+B-chan: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHA! BRING THE RUNTS OUT AGAIN!
The End.