Dear A-B-by,
I'm writing to you because I have a problem. It's the boys I live with — they all pick on me. It's not that I'm the smallest or the weakest, and I even have a larger penis than half of them. Still, I can't seem to gain any respect.
It's been like this since grade school in China. I was always picked last for competitive team Mah-Jong. There were always fish balls stuffed into my locker through the little slits. I don't completely understand it.
I wonder if they might be jealous of me. There were six other guys who used to hang around the girl I used to go out with. It was like they were all sworn to protect her. But she didn't want any of them — she wanted me. I think that was why I was constantly being made fun of by that one red-headed boy.
And the boys, now — six of them again — I think they might be jealous of me, too. I'm very powerful and strong when I need to be, but they make fun of my ability anyway. They call me a "crab" all the time. I don't like it. I wish they'd stop. I don't like it when the other boys pick on me. They're probably just jealous because my wife will only eat the food I make. (... Not that the other boys ever actually have to make food — that's my job — but if they did, I bet she wouldn't eat it! She'll only eat my food because it's so good! She really likes my crabs!)
Please tell me how I can make the other boys stop picking on me. Please, anything. I'll even slip rat poison into their crab dinners if you think that will improve my social standing. I really, really, really want to be popular and well-liked by everyone.
I want to be NUMBER ONE!!
Sincerely,
Completely Anonymous Stranger Whom You've Never Met Before
Subj: Dear CASWINMB
Date: 12/01/01
From: a-B-by
To: Anonymous
Dear Completely Anonymous Stranger Whom I've Never Met Before,
It sounds like you're the runt of the litter. Deal with it. You're probably never going to be the most popular or most well-liked. If it was that way for you since puberty, it most definitely will stay that way. There is, however, a slim chance you are as drool-worthy and jealousy-worthy as you assert yourself to be.
Here's the big deciding question:
Do you cook and clean, or do you just cook? Manly men who are beloved by their women just cook, to show their loving and caring through their cuisine, yet they never clean. It rubs against the Y-chromosome the wrong way to come in contact with a scrubber, soap and water (that's why most men stink). Whipped and gay men, on the other hand, cook and clean. (Ever wonder why we call dorks and gay men "fruity?" It's because they smell fruity. But, to smell fruity, you must first be clean or you smell like 3-day old melons, and we call that smell "funk.")
If it is the case that you only cook, make big messes, yet never have to clean it up, you're a top dog. Those 6 other men are just totally jealous of you.
However, if you cook and clean, you were a runt and you stayed a runt. You're what I like to call happy-labor. Only the unpopular and dim-witted are happy to labor and slave away for goddesses such as myself, thus the term "happy-labor" was born.
Happy-labor is easily rewarded. Even an idle smile helps to assure happy-labor he actually matters to his master or mistress.
So, which is it? Macho man who makes the messes yet never cleans them, or Happy-labor?
Sincerely,
a-B-by