(A-chan & B-chan listen intently to the garbled idiot-speak of the harem boys—not necessarily so much because it's interesting as much as A/B-chan are curious what goes through the minds of morons sometimes, if anything.)
Slade: Come on, bitch! Where you at?!
Nuriko: I'm right here, you bastard! Come get me!
Darshu + DS Luche: Someone call us?
Slade: I can't distinguish your spindly body from the twiggy trees of the Island, you coward! I'M A FRIKKIN' MONOLITH! YOU COME GET ME!
Xelloss: Yeah, Slade! Don't get too far! I'm a powerful demon, but it'll take me a little bit to get this x-ray vision spell in order.
Darshu: Bouncy bouncy bouncy!!
DS Luche: Pouncy pouncy pouncy!!
Touga: (revolvin' on his wheel) I iz gittin' dizzy~ Uwaaa~
Ryoga: Wow... I am downwind of something POWERFUL smelly...
Zenki: *whap* Your boobs! *whap* Your boobs! *whap* Your boobs!
Ranma: *ouch* My boobs! *ouch* My boobs! *ouch* My boobs!
Chiaki: Owies! No! Please don't hurt me! Not that! Or that! Or that!
Utena: Ha! Yes! I shall! Take that! And that! And that!
Tamahome: (squishéd) ...
A-chan: Is it just me, or is Utena the only one really on task here?
B-chan: I dunno... If you ignored the context, you might be able to construe what Nuriko and Slade are doing as "on task."
Joaquin: It's a stretch, B-san.
A-chan: Hey, what's Domyoji doin'? I can't hear Domyoji!
Mini-B: *squeak*squeak*
(Translation: Begging your pardon, A-san, but Domyoji's cell phone uses a chip which eliminates interference. We can't listen in on his phone call.)
B-chan: He gets reception from the Ninth Island of Tournament?
A-chan: Who's he calling?
(Meanwhile, back on the Island...)
Mini-B: *SQUEAK*SQUEAK*!?!??!
(Translation: [CENSORED].)
(The Japanese air force comes flying in, every plane armed with missiles and bombs and other weapons of mass destruction. And, because they're Japanese, they also have Hi-Tech lasers and flawless targetting equipment.)
Domyoji: IT'S ABOUT DAMNED TIME! (into his cell phone) GET THE OOMPA LOOMPAS FIRST!
(The Japanese air force engages the mini-B enforcers on their brooms. The mini-B's whap the lead plane and send it crashing to the Island... with all its highly explosive arms...)
(Back at the Mansion...)
(The entire place shakes from the impact of the war plane all the way over on the Ninth Island. An expensive-looking electronic object flies off the shelf, and Joaquin barely catches it in his arms, saving it from damage.)
B-chan: Oooh! Quick reflexes!
A-chan: Wow! I've missed those!
B-chan: Yah! Don't see much in the way of 'quick' with the harem boys!
A-chan: Hey, B, what is that thing anyway?
B-chan: Dunno... What did you just save, Joaquin?
(Joaquin inspects the object. He gets back to his feet, holding two microphones, attached by cords to the main box.)
Joaquin: It would appear to be...
A+B-chan: KARAOKE MACHINE!!!!!!! MINI-B'S, TURN DOWN THE ISLAND VOLUME!!!!!!!
(A&B-chan thus become disconnected from the situation on the Island.)
(Return to the Island...)
Touga: SOMEONE GET ME OFF THIS WHEEL, I'M ROLLING TOWARDS THE BURNING WRECK!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Utena: Every intelligent being for herself! Come on Ranma! You've got boobs! Let's get out of here!
Ranma: No... more... boobs... Not... my... boobs... *oof*oof*oof*
Zenki: Yes, your boobs! Yes, your boobs! *smash*smash*smash*
Utena: ... Oh, well. I tried.
(Utena hops into the ocean and swims away while all the mini-B enforcers are occupied with the Japanese air force.)
(Ryoga, meanwhile, finally steps out of bounds and succeeds. But his brain doesn't register it. He falls back without anything hitting him, and he picks out splinters that aren't there—all in a mechanical, learned motion.)
(A lone helicopter lands to pick up Domyoji. He climbs aboard, and no one realizes that Nuriko grabs hold of one of the legs and goes up with it as it rises back into the air.)
Domyoji: (into his cell) Commence OPERATION: ENDURING MY FREEDOM BY BOMBING THE FUCK OUT OF THESE HAREMS, NOW!!
(Going back to the Mansion for a moment...)
B-chan:
~Figlio perduto~
~Vuoi fare un gioco?~
~Giota ti porto~
~Vieni con me~
Joaquin: What the heck does all that mean?
A-chan: SHHH!!!!
(Beethoven rolls over in his grave.)
(On the Island...)
(The Japanese air force drops the first wave of missiles and bombs and things. A giant typhoon is created from the impact in the surrounding ocean water—and it heads right into the Island!)
Hameln: (from his mountaintop) OH, &^*%!!! EVERYONE TO HIGHER GROUND, NOW!!!!!!
(The screams of the harem boys are heard as they run, bounce, and pounce as fast as their legs will carry them to the nearest high ground—Slade's Teknoman.)
Slade: GET OFF OF ME GET OFF OF ME GET OFF OF ME!!!
(Xelloss, Darshu, DS Luche, and Zenki all climb and crawl on Teknoman like icky bugs. Even Tasuki comes out from wherever the hell he was and scales Teknoman to avoid the typhoon. Ryoga is trapped in his own little world, and doesn't register the typhoon. Ranma and Chiaki have passed out from their massive beatings. Tamahome remains squishéd. Utena is long-gone. Hameln stays safe on his mountaintop. And poor Touga rolls closer and closer to the intense blaze of the plane wreckage. ... But where has Nuriko gone??)
(Meanwhilst, at ye olde Mansion...)
A-chan:
~Black leather, and that little boy smile~
~Black leather and that slow southern style~
~A new religion that'll bring him to his knees~
~Black leather, if you pleeease~
Joaquin: Isn't it supposed to be "black velvet?"
B-chan: SHHH!!!!
(Alannah Myles rolls over in her 80s-Music-Is-Dead grave.)
(Somewhere above the Ninth Island...)
(Nuriko leaps from the helicopter to one of the largest war planes, landing on top. He rips the door off and jumps inside.)
Nuriko: THIS IS A HIJACKING!
Japanese Pilots: !!!!!!
(Within the confines of the Mansion...)
B-chan: Come on, Joaquin! Your turn! Azz song!
A-chan: Yah, Joaquin! You havta sing! Azz song!
A+B-chan: *chanting* Azz song! Azz song! Azz song!
Joaquin: (holding the mic apprehensively) ..... Okay. Fine.
A+B-chan: YAYAYYAYYYAYYAYYAYAYAYAY!!!
Joaquin:
~I love the way you look at meee~
~I love the way you smack my azz~
~I love the dirty things you do~
A+B-chan: DO THE NEW LYRIC! SING IT, JOAQUIN!
Joaquin: (mumbling)
~And now I'm under the control of you~
A+B-chan: YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! SEX-AY BI-ATCH!!!
(Bing Crosby, last of the great crooners, rolls over in his grave. Wait, Bing is dead, isn't he? Metaphorically, at least, if not physically.)
(On the Japanese war plane...)
Nuriko: THIS PLANE GOES WHERE I SAY IT GOES!
(The Japanese pilots run for their lives. They throw on their parachutes and abandon ship, leaving Nuriko to do as he will with the heavily-armed plane.)
(On the Island...)
Darshu: Hey, Slade, lookit!
Slade: Shut up and remove yourselves from me.
DS Luche: No, really! We're not making it up this time! Look!
Darshu: Yah! There's really a big, bright shiny flying straight for Teknoman now!
Slade: For the last time— (sees it) ........ !!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Moments later, Nuriko's maniacal laughter is heard from the cockpit of the hijacked plane as it crashes into the north side of the Teknoman Tower. Teknoman collapses, taking out nearly all of the Island with him. Nuriko is the only one to crawl away from the wreck.)
Nuriko: I DID IT! I WON!! I BEAT SLADE AND I'M THE WINNER!
(Unbeknownst to Nuriko, Hameln is still safely upon his mountaintop. AND... he has completed the construction of his new violin.)
Nuriko: (legs begin to do an odd dance beneath him, involuntarily) Wh-What's this?! What's going on now?!??!
Hameln: GARBAGE'S "ANDROGENY," MARIONETTE VERSION!!!
Nuriko: OH, SWEET COSMOS, NO!!! MY LEGS ARE CARRYING ME TO LE GRANDE PRIMPETTE ROOM!!!! B-SAN AND A-SAN ARE GONNA KILL ME!!!!!!!
Hameln: AND I WILL FINALLY CLAIM MY RIGHTFUL PLACE AS FIRST MALE WIFE!!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
(And let's have one last look at the Mansion, shall we?)
A+B-chan: That sure was fun!
Joaquin: ... Yah. Fun.
A+B-chan: Ooh, pardon us! We have to use the little princess' room—be back in a jiff!
TO BE CONTINUED...