(The disco hall has been transformed by the might and power of Lovely Magical Soldier A-chan, and courtesy of this mysterious Lovely Magical girl, B-chan is now fully decked in a witchy rendition of the classic multi-layered, high-thigh-slit tango two-piece, while A-chan twirly twirls in a tight, black "Zorrita" get-up, complete with Spanish sword and dominatrix whip. And by the might of Lovely Magical Soldier B-chan, the once-vaporized stereo, which once played 80's music, is reconstructed and belting out saucy Spanish melodies.)
(Christina Aguilera comes bouncing in with 10 hard-bodied dancers behind her.)
Christina: WOOOW!! A-chan! B-chan! You REALLY know what a girl wants!
B-chan: ....
A-chan: B-chan...
B-chan: I know, A...
A-chan: B-chan...
B-chan: Workin' on it, A...
A-chan: B-chan, please show her what THESE girls want...
B-chan: Echoes deep... into the timeless phantasm... I beseech the Dark Nightmare... abandon me not now... Children of the Nightmares...
(You know where this is going...)
Christina: (screams and runs from the hall when it is revealed that she was born "Christopher Aguilera" of Des Moines, Iowa.)
Female Hard-bodied Dancers: (are made to run fifty thousand laps around the BAnterprise without bras)
Male Hard-Bodied Dancers: (become A-chan's new Dungeon boys)
(Commence FIESTA!!!)
B-chan: Whee~!!!
A-chan: Yay~!!!
B-chan: Yahoo~!!!
A-chan: Here ya go, B! (hands her the wooden stick) It's your turn to hit the piñata!!!
B-chan: *WHAP*WHAP*WHAP*
Darshu: OWIE! OWIE! OOWW!!!
A-chan: Golly jeepers, B, this is so much fun!
B-chan: *WHAP*WHAP* Yeah!! *WHAP*
(Some candy pops out of Darshu's starfish....)
B-chan: ....
A-chan: B-chan...
B-chan: I know, A...
A-chan: B-chan, something just popped out of his starfish...
B-chan: I realize that, A...
A-chan: B-chan, that's really gross...
B-chan: I know, A...
A-chan: B-chan, can we inflict a triple punishment on him for that?
Darshu: WHAT?? NOO!!! THAT WASN'T MY FAULT!!!!
A+B-chan: *death glare* Are you insinuating that it's OUR fault?!
Darshu: Yes—— uh.... No! I MEANT NO!!!
A-chan: I heard him, B! He said "yes"!!!
B-chan: That's it, ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT!!!!!!
A-chan: (hopping in place and clapping) YAYAYYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAY!!!!
B-chan: Mini-Bs!
(Mini-B-ons drop the maraccas and imported drugs and stand at attention.)
B-chan: Bring the males back into the hall. Let them know that they may keep themselves entertained at Darshu's expense until A-chan and I have returned.
Darshu: *sob*sob*
B-chan: Come with me, A-chan. We have work to do.
(B-chan picks up her notebook, A-chan picks up a box of pastel Crayola markers and highlighters and coloring pencils and construction paper and Elmer's glue and scissors, and together they exit the hall.)
(Time passes, during which the males are all cleaned and bandaged and tended by the mini-B-ons, and are then allowed to play with Schneider.)
Akashi: Here, here, gimme the stick!
Ryoga: Hey, Akashi, if you hit him here, stuff oozes from his starfish!!
Sanosuke: Cool!! Lemme try!
Aren: That is disgusting beyond compare...
Ranma: Yah!! Ain't it great??
Ferio: Come on, Slade! This is fun! Give him a whack!
Slade: (ignores them...)
Zenki: Sheesh. Fiesta pooper.
Nuriko: Not Slade! Schneider's the fiesta pooper!!
Shuramaru: .......... That's terribly cruel....
Tamahome: I want to make stuff shoot out of his starfish, too!!
Tasuki: Too bad, Crab-boy! You're not good enough to play with this stick! *WHAP*WHAP*
Darshu: OW! OW! *ooze....*
Luche: Ew.... I am definitely NOT washing his underwear...
Shinnosuke: Why do all you strangers consider this entertainment...?
Xelloss: Have you ever seen what A-chan and B-chan consider entertainment? This is mild in comparison!
Crucified Darien: I HAVE SEEN! I HAVE SEEN!!
Ban: Oh, the pain!! Oh, the torture!! .... Oh, my god—what just came out of his starfish?!
(The males all lean in close to inspect the item which just shot forth from Darshu's starfish.)
Males: EEEEEEeeeeEEeeeeeeeEEEEEEEeeewwwwwwwWWWwwwww...............
(A blinding light comes forth from the doorway, and the males are struck with awe and humbled before the luminescent presence of A/B-chan.)
Males: AAAAAAaaaaAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAaaahhhhhhhHHHhhhhh...............
Nuriko: My goddess descends! B-san, you have returned to—
B-chan: Silence!
Nuriko: Yes, B-san.
B-chan: You shall refer to me using proper respect from now on, Nuriko.
Darshu: (dangling by his picky toes, with bruises all over his body and an embarrassing mess all over his pants) Whoa... B-sama didn't call him "Nuriko-sama"... Some catastrophic event has altered the orbit of the earth and the course of human events—the stars and planets are misaligned, and the End of the World draws near... B-SAMA DID NOT CALL HIM "NURIKO-SAMA"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nuriko: Um... B-san?
B-chan: B-SAMA TO YOU FROM NOW ON!!
A-chan: Yah, male. Try it again!!
Nuriko: Humblest apologies, dearest and most noble B-sama...!!!!
B-chan: That's more like it.
Nuriko: B-sama, what has—
A-chan: Enough from you, male! Permission to speak revoked!
Nuriko: ................ ........... . .... .. ... . .. .. . . . .
(A-chan steps forward and unrolls a long scroll. B-chan nods to the mini-Bs, who form two descending lines and blow a regal tune through mini trumpets.)
A-chan: Hear ye, all unworthy ones! Ye shall all bear witness! In accordance to the unwritten laws of the Harems, as dictated by the Almighty Cosmos, ye are reminded that SEVEN is the number of anime concubines awarded to any human who has pleased the Cosmos! Ye are reminded that the order and persons within that Harem are subject to change at any time, in accordance with the whims of the whimsical humans who have pleased the Cosmos! The Cosmos give nae a hoot as to how these Harems are maintained, so long as the number contained therein is SEVEN! Therefore, Onino Ei (party of the first part, henceforth to be known as "A-chan") and Arumaitiihitono Bii (party of the second part, henceforth to be known as "B-chan") exercise their right to EXPELL AND/OR EXCHANGE ANY CONCUBINES CURRENTLY PRESENT WITHIN THE HAREMS!!!!
Males: ........... *GASP!!!* ..............
Akashi: Dearest A-sama! I'm so happy you're going to make room for me in—
(B-chan zaps him with a low-grade Annihilation Spell, also known as a "Splitting the Hydrogen Atom" Spell, at A-chan's signal.)
A-chan: The males are reminded at this time that so much as the breaking of wind during the Sacred Harem Ceremony is forbidden by unwritten law, and punishable by seven consecutive nights alone with 10,000 mini-Bs in the Dungeon of A.
(Cricket noises.... B-chan zaps the crickets.)
A-chan: B-chan will now announce the new Harem Hierarchy of Arumaitiihitono Bii!!
B-chan: (waves a sceptre around) SEVENTH (male) WIFE IS NOW....
TAMAHOME!!!!!!!!!!!
Status unchanged.
Tamahome: (thinking: HIGHEST JOY!!!!!!!)
B-chan: SIXTH (male) WIFE IS NOW.....
DARSHU!!!!!!!!!!
Down from second.
That whole Richard Simmons stunt was just too creepy.
Darshu: (thinking: WHAT?! I MOVED TO SIXTH??!?!? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!)
B-chan: FIFTH (male) WIFE IS NOW.....
RYOGA!!!!!!!!!
Bumped down from third to make way for those more worthy.
Ryoga: (thinking: SHE STILL LOVES ME! SHE STILL LOVES ME!! OH, THANK YOU, COSMOS!!!!)
B-chan: FOURTH (male) WIFE IS NOW.....
TOUGA, from "UTENA"!!!!
That pretty boy with the long red hair! His hair's so purdy. I want him to do my hair! He is my harem's new official haircare specialist! But he takes the unlucky number 4 spot since four is lower to us than five, and I still need to break him in properly.
(Touga pops into existence! He is mildly confused, but knows better than to interrupt a Sacred Harem Ceremony. He is less stupid than many of the previous [male] wives....)
B-chan: THIRD (male) WIFE IS NOW.....
NURIKO!!!!!!!!
That bra thing was just too much for me to stomach. But I don't have the heart to drop him too low.
Nuriko: (thinking: *GASP!* Two males have ranked higher than me??? I WILL BE TAKING ORDERS FROM TWO OTHER MALES??!???!?!)
All of B-chan's Other Harem Boys: (thinking: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!!!)
B-chan: SECOND (male) WIFE IS NOW.....
HAMELN, from "VIOLINIST OF HAMELN: THE MOVIE"!!!!
None of the concubines are artistically inclined, BUT THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE!! They will learn to PLAY THE CELLO!!! Besides, Hameln's Japanese voice actor is the same sexy studmuffin as Darshu's!
(Hameln poofs into existence, and before he has a chance to mutter so much as a "Duh?" Touga covers his mouth and wrestles him to the floor.)
B-chan: AND FINALLY....
(A hush falls upon B-chan's males as a hush has never fallen before... Those whose names have not been called... Ranma, Shinnosuke, Slade, Darien... Ranma, who would give his life for B-sama... Shinnosuke, who at this moment actually remembers who B-sama is... Slade, who deep down loves B-sama, but up front is the emotional equivalent of a MAN... Darien, who, despite being crucified, has only loving thoughts of B-sama... They all hold their breath.)
B-chan: FIRST (male) WIFE IS NOW....
.............
.......................
..............................
......... wait, wait, it's coming.......
.....................................................
..............................................................
SLADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's a man who LOOKS like a MAN, THINKS like a MAN, ACTS like a MAN. And I need a MANLY MAN at this juncture of my emotional development. ESPECIALLY after watching Akashi do his thing with A-chan.
A-chan: Permission to speak NOT granted, so don't even think about it, males!!!!!!
B-chan: And I'm not done just yet!! I hereby announce the position of... CONCUBINE-IN-TRAINING!!! This position shall be awarded to a male who, though he did not quite make it into the top seven, holds a special place in my heart. And, therefore, should any of the official harem boys be striken with a terminal illness, or deprived prematurely of life, the concubine-in-training shall take his place!!! THE CONCUBINE-IN-TRAINING IS NOW....
DARIEN!!!!!!!
I have grown very fond of the crucified boy on the peeing John Travolta statue... so the whole thing's staying! The fountain is to be placed in the center of the reception hall in the mansion of Arumaitiihitono Bii! And anyone who is caught taking pity on Darien in any form will be similarly positioned on other peeing statues of my choice!
This is the new Harem Hierarchy of Arumaitiihitono Bii! By the Cosmos, so mote it be!!
(Ranma and Shinnosuke pass out. Slade is perplexed. A/B-chan exchange places, and B-chan takes the scrolly thingy, and A-chan takes the sceptre thingy.)
B-chan: A-chan will now announce—
A-chan: Ooh, wait! B-chan!! I just had an excellent idea!!! Gimme a sec, kays??
B-chan: Um... OK!
(A-chan scurries into the crowd of males and fishes out... RANMA??? She slaps him back into reality and drags him into the next room. Everyone—B-chan, males, the whole lot—press and smoosh against the door, struggling to hear the whispered words which pass between this unlikely coupling.)
Akashi: "Harem"! I heard her say "harem"!
Aren: "Seventh"! I distinctly heard "seventh"!
All: .... "Whipping boy"?!?!??!
B-chan: Ooh, ooh, they're coming back out! Everyone, places!!
(They all scurry back into place just in time before A-chan and Ranma re-emerge. Ranma has renewed hope shining in his eyes, and he looks lovingly towards B-chan.)
B-chan: Um... A? ... Wadja tell him?
A-chan: Muahahaha... You'll see... *cackle*
B-chan: Oooooookay then... *cough* We shall continue with the Ceremony!!! A-chan will now announce the new Harem Hierarchy of Onino Ei!!!
A-chan: (wavey sceptre) *wavey*wavey*woosh*woosh*swish* Hey, hey! It makes a cool noise when I wave it really fast! *woosh*woosh*swish* It's like a sound effect in a Chinese television drama!!! *swish*woosh*swish*
B-chan: A-chan...
A-chan: Huh? ... Oh! Oh, yah. Yah. SEVENTH (male) WIFE IS NOW....
Tee-hee...
Tee-hee-hee!!
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!
.......................................
You're gonna love this................
.....................................................
It's.........................................................
RANMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Formerly fourth (male) wife of the Harem of Arumaitiihitono Bii!!
B-chan: Huh???????????
A-chan: Oh, don't worry, it's not like I like Ranma! I took him in on three conditions!! (1) He must pay an exorbitant monthly rental fee for space, (2) he must do absolutely EVERYTHING I say, from necessary chores to frivolous tasks, and (3) he must be the whipping boy when any other concubines misbehave!
B-chan: And he agreed??
(B-chan's gettin' a little worried about the love-love glazed over look Ranma has in his eye, which is directed right at her...)
A-chan: Of course! It'll keep him close to YOU!
B-chan: Ingenius... yet, sick somehow...
A-chan: *grin* Thank you! I try! BUT ON WITH THE CEREMONY!! SIXTH (male) WIFE IS NOW....
ZENKI!!!!!
Down from fourth (male) wife 'cuz that bra scheme was something *I* should have thought of first! I would have booted him entirely, 'cuz I don't think I want to look at him as often anymore, but it was all kinda kinky in a way...
Zenki: (thinking: I'll forever be cursed... FOREVER!!!)
A-chan: FIFTH (male) WIFE IS NOW.....
CHIAKI, from "KAMIKAZE KAITOU JEANNE"!!!!
Who is in NO way related to the FEMALE "Enno Chiaki" of that popular series "Zenki." He is the mysterious kamikaze thief known as "Sinbad," and he likes to seal demons! (wavey wavey to Zenki) But he's a pervert, and I was surprised how joyously I cheered when things went wrong for him, so I want to make him part of the harem just so I can torture him!
(Chiaki zaps into existence, and he is immediately perversely striken by the beauty of A-chan, his unbeknownst torturess-to-be.)
A-chan: FOURTH (male) WIFE IS NOW......
TASUKI!!!!!!!!
I don't know if unlucky number 4 should really be considered as moving "up" from seventh... But you know, if I really had my way, Tasuki and Ranma would both rank last.
Tasuki: (crying... tears of joy or of pain, we may never know...)
A-chan: THIRD (male) WIFE IS NOW.......
XELLOSS!!!!!!!!
After living with him for like, almost a year, I've decided Xelloss is smart enough, sadistic enough, kinky enough, and therefore worthy enough to take a position of high authority in the harems! Besides! He's like, totally a high-level demon!! Me like demons!!!
Xelloss: (thinking: Yes!! I finally get to move out of the Dungeon!!!)
A-chan: SECOND (male) WIFE IS NOW......
LUCHE!!!!!!!
Come here, snookums, and give me a huggly-wuggly!!
(Luche scurries over to A-chan and gives her a huggly-wuggly.)
Akashi: (thinking: Finally... time to take my place as first [male] wife... OH, JOY!!!)
Ban: (thinking: Finally... she's going to take me back... and apologize by making *ME* first male wife!!)
Aren: (thinking: Finally... I'm going to rank above that stinky little panty-washing brat!)
Shuramaru: (thinking: *sigh* The silence is so peaceful...)
Sanosuke: (thinking: Please, Kami-sama, PLEASE let me be released....)
Ferio: (thinking: ...released from the curse that is A-chan!!! My chances are good... My chances are REALLY good...)
A-chan: AND FINALLY... drumroll, please?
(Luche rolls his tongue and makes a drumroll-like clicking noise. B-chan instinctively zaps the source of noice during the ceremony, accidentally. Luche fries quietly...)
A-chan: B!!!
B-chan: Um... Would it help if I apologized...?
A-chan: *martyred sigh* Anyhoosers... FINALLY... THE NEW HIGHEST-RANKING MEMBER (under myself of course) IN THE HAREM OF ONINO EI IS NOW......
UTENA, from "UTENA"!!!!!!!!!!
She will be head advisor and fencing teacher to all the males! It is SOOO way past time to get a little intelligence in my harem...
All: WHAT??!?!???!??! BUT SHE'S A FEMALE!!!!!!!!!!!
(Utena poofs into existence.)
A-chan: We'll have to go to Hawaii for it, but Utena-sama and I can be legally bound in matrimony!
Utena: Another engagement?? Whoa, cool, it's that oni-manga-artist girl, A-chan!
Darshu: I knew it! I KNEW the End of the World had to be involved!! Didn't I tell you?? Not that I'm complaining or anything... She's sure got curves... rrrrRRrrrrr— ***ZAP***
B-chan: Enough outta you. You know, I can STILL bump you and put Darien in your place.
Darshu: *sizzle* .....
(And thus ends the fateful tale of the Reunion of A/B-chan. Aren and Akashi went on to join Ban in the stalking of A-chan. Ranma found many excuses to visit the harem of B-chan, though he feared the things Darshu would inevitably do to him. Those males who were rejected by A/B-chan went on to become members of the Harem of Arshes Nei. But the Cosmos soon learned that she had surpassed her limit of seven with Hotohori, Nakago, Gara, Kall-su, Shinnosuke, Sanosuke, Ferio, and Shuramaru [total of eight], and the Cosmos transformed Arshes Nei into an Honorary Male, never again to be touched by a straight man or a homosexual man for the rest of her days. Indeed. Many males annihilated [multiple times], many tarts flogged, and many zany adventures—it's all in a day's work for A/B-chan!)
THE END!