(The harems have joined forces in putting Escaflowne back together.)
Slade: Tasuki! Blow torch!
Tasuki: You got it!
Slade: Okay, I need the thingamabop from Sheherazad to put in Escaflowne.
Aren: Thank goodness I don't have no blood pact with my guymelfe. I
mean, what loser actually does that?
Tasuki: Hehe... You mean that if I pull this out of Escaflowne, Ban'll feel
it?
Aren: Purty much so.
Slade: Don't even think about it, Tasuki. Don't you wanna see A-san
again?
Tasuki: Ahh! I must resist the temptation!!!
(Tasuki tries desperately to pull his reaching hand back, but it won't listen to him.)
Tasuki: Heeeelllllppp meeee!!!!
(The concubines all run to Tasuki, and just in time. Tasuki was about to pull the main system wire out.)
Slade: Someone take him out back!
Darshu: Get a rope.
(Tasuki is gagged, flogged, beaten, kicked, cussed at, pounded, and laughed at... by Tamahome!)
Tamahome: Even the great joy I took in that cannot compare the joy I felt when I saw B-sama smile... Even if it was only at Nuriko...
Luche: Niinee-san, where is A-san?
Ranma: In the land of no return, Luche-kun.
Shinnosuke: Ranma, I think I miss someone, but I can't remember who...
Ranma: Oh, dear lordy...
Slade: I'm almost done here. What'd you guys do to Tasuki?
Tamahome: (whistling innocently)
Slade: Well, then, Schneider I need you to weld these together...
Darshu: ZARZARD ZARZARD SKRONO! YONO SUKU! In the darkness
of Hell, the fire of Hell. Be my blow torch and weld these metals together! VENOM!
Ban: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Slade: Oopsey, forgot about the blood pact.
Aren: Mwa Hahahahaha!
Tasuki: (talking through many bruises and bumps) Bub we onwy need da guymewfe an nob ban, wibe?
Slade: True.
Aren: Oh, cool!
(Aren picks up a hammer and starts pounding on Escaflowne.)
Ban: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Slade: Let's go to Hawaii!!
(Aren drives Escaflowne and all its passengers to Hawaii.)
Darshu: (drooling) All... those... grass... skirts...
Ranma: (cringing) All... that... cold... water...
Darshu: Oh, yah... cold water... c'mere, Ranma! It ain't a party if you're not a girl!
(Darshu chucks Ranma into the water.)
Female Ranma: *cough cough* Why does everyone insist on calling *me* the pervert?! SCHNEIDER YOU LECHER!!
Aren: Did I hear correctly? Did *Ranma* just call someone else a lecher?
Ferio: So much sand. I hate sand! I hate deserts...
Sanosuke: We're here on business, not pleasure.
Shuramaru: Sanosuke... were you *serious* just now? I'm so glad that you're not goofing off!
Sanosuke: Wouldja look at the coconuts on that one!
Shuramaru: I shouldda known better...
Sanosuke: No! The coconuts on that palm tree! They're about to fall!
Tamahome: OUCH! HELL! DAMN COCONUTS!!
Sanosuke: Tried to warn you.
Tasuki: Hey Dawshu, loog anb see if wu canb finb da giwrs ow habbosai.
Slade: Right, if anyone can spot them in a crowd of scantily clad vestal maidens, it's him!
Darshu: I'm lookin', I'm lookin'! (drool, drool)
(Darshu climbs up a palm tree and scans the beach area.)
Darshu: Ah, man! There's a hot mama over there not wearing a swimsuit! ... Wait! It's Nuriko! And I see B-sama, too!!
Luche: Where's A-san?
Female Ranma: You've found B-sama?? I'm so happy I could just kiss someone!! C'mere, little Luche-kun! Niinee-san wants ta give you a big kissy!!
(Female Ranma hugs Luche and gives him a kiss. Luche begins to laugh evilly. In a flash of light Luche becomes... drumroll... DARK SCHNEIDER!!)
Sanosuke: Ooh, that's neat!
Ferio: Oh, damn, as if one of 'em wasn't bad enough. First sand, and now two Schneiders...
Darshu: Hey, he's pretty handsome that way.
D.S. Luche: You're not so bad-looking yourself.
Darshu + D.S. Luche: I, Dark Schneider, the invincible, handsome, witty hero do compliment you! Ha, ha, ha!!
Tamahome: Oh, puh-leez...
Darshu + D.S. Luche: Did someone invite you to speak?
Tamahome: N-no, sirs! Sorry, sirs!
Slade: Enough fooling around. Ranma, kiss him and get him back to normal!
Female Ranma: Nuh-uh, no way!
Slade: Do it!
Female Ranma: If you wanna see Schneider get kissed so bad, YOU do it!
Slade: Eeww... I understand now. You don't havta kiss 'im.
Female Ranma: AHH! Something's nuzzling my butt!!
Shuramaru: Happosai!
Tasuki: Habbosai, whub hab wu dun wib Ei-sumu? Teww uz wibe mow!!
Happosai: Of all the young, tight females to grab onto, it just had to be you, Ranma, didn't it?? What are you doing in Hawaii, you pervert?
Female Ranma: Me? *I'm* the pervert??
(B-chan comes skipping over. All of B-chan's concubines run to her. Ranma, Shinnosuke, and Slade hug her, Darshu clings to her leg, and Tamahome kisses her feet.)
Happosai: Happi wants a feel, too!
(Happosai flies off Ranma's rear toward B-chan. Nuriko flicks him to the ground and steps on him.)
B-chan: My harem! And A-chan's harem? What are you all doing in Hawaii?
Nuriko: (growling) Yah... what are *you* doing here??
B-chan: Hey Ranma, don't hug me so close when you're a girl, it feels weird~
Tamahome: Oh, B-sama! I am nothing without you!
B-chan: Yah, I know. That explains MY harem. What are the rest of you doing here... and without A-chan! She's gonna rip you all new ones when she finds out you're in Hawaii. And why are there two of you, Darshu?
Chibi Zenki: We've come to rescue her!
Happosai: Let me up, girly boy!
Nuriko: Put a cork in it, Gramps.
Aren: Fiend! What have you done to our A-sama!?
Happosai: Who?
Tasuki: Da wun wu pub in da duwful bab!
Happosai: Uh... They lost all my luggage at the airport...
(Meanwhile, back in the harem mansion of A-chan, Ban is being nursed back to health by Ryoga.)
Ban: Ugh... oh... How did you ever find me?
Ryoga: How do I ever find anything?
(A-chan walks in.)
A-chan: Ban, how are you feeling? I can't believe they did this to you. Furthermore, I can't believe Ryoga ever found me and managed to get me safely home...
Ryoga: Oh, it was nothing! Just don't ask me to do it again, 'cuz I don't think I could.
Ban: My dear A-sama!! I love you!
(Enter everyone else who was previously in Hawaii, including Happosai, panting and out of breath. Ranma is a male again.)
The rest of A-chan's harem: We love you, too, A-sama!
Happosai: I love *all* the pretty ladies!
Darshu + D.S. Luche: Happosai! You may be on to something!
Ranma: The similarities between them are frightening...
A-chan: I'm sorry, my harem, but I... I... I think I love Ban best! And I have B-chan to thank for helping me realize that!
(A-chan's harem fall to their knees and all glare at B-chan. Their eyes glow red.)
B-chan: Oh, my goodness... This is bad...
Nuriko: B-san, I can't take this many...
(A-chan's harem charges B-chan.)
B-chan: MY MALE CONCUBINES!! ATTACK!!
(Nuriko, Shuramaru, Chibi Zenki, and Tamahome change into their beefiest forms. Aren, Slade, and Ban all climb into their mechas. Sanosuke and Ferio brandish their swords. Shinnosuke brandishes his broom. Darshu, D.S. Luche, and Tasuki all start playing with fire. Ranma and Ryoga prepare to use their secret techniques. Let's take this one battle at a time:
D.S. Luche vs. Darshu: Darshu used Halloween against D.S. Luche, and D.S. Luche
transformed back into li'l Luche.
Darshu wins. Body count: 1 A down, 0 B down.
Aren vs. Slade: With its puny missiles and gunfire, Sheherazad was no match
for Teknoman, which easily dodged or blocked every attack until Sheherazad
was out of ammo. Teknoman's power beam rendered Sheherazad a mere
statistic.
Slade wins. Body count: 2 A down, 0 B down.
Shuramaru vs. Shinnosuke: Since Shinnosuke was used to fighting large
monsters, he was prepared for an Oni. After a few
attempts at whapping him with his broom, Shuramaru became so
traumatized by the stinging pain of the sharp whaps of Shinnosuke's
broom, that Shuramaru lay down and cried "mercy."
Shinnosuke wins. Body count: 3 A down, 0 B down.
Ferio vs. Ryoga: Ryoga used his Shishihoukoudan technique against
Ferio, but Ferio was too slow to dodge it. Ryoga remembered the time B-chan forgot his
name but remembered Ranma's, and blasted Ferio harder.
Ryoga wins. Body count: 4 A down, 0 B down.
Sanosuke vs. Ranma: Sanosuke, knowing Ranma's weakness, poured cold water on
him, but Ranma seduced Sanosuke with his female charm. Sanosuke fell for it, let down
his guard and Ranma struck, knocking Sanosuke unconscious.
Ranma wins. Body count: 5 A down, 0 B down.
ZENKI vs. Tamahome: It was a close fight and the outcome was
uncertain, but then Tamahome swung ZENKI around and around by his
ponytail.
Tamahome wins. Body count: 6 A down, 0 B down.
Tasuki vs. Nuriko: In the middle of their fight, Tasuki said he still
thought Nuriko was foxy. Nuriko, thoroughly disgusted, flung Tasuki into the
sky. Tasuki never returned home, since Nuriko had thrown him far, far away.
Nuriko wins. Body count: 7 A down, 0 B down.)
A-chan: Oh, my. Such carnage...
B-chan: Nuriko?? Nuriko!! Oh, Nuriko, you've come back!!
Nuriko: Of course I'm back. Wadja think I'd do? Run off with Tasuki??
Hahahaha!!
Tamahome: My first win... I won!!
B-chan: Oh, Tama-chan!!!
Ranma: Heh, heh, heh... Tama-chan, here kitty kitty... wait! No... no cats,
please.
B-chan: I'm sooo proud of all of you! Even Tamahome! All of you did real
well!
B-chan's harem: Thank you!
Tamahome: Why does Nuriko get to call you "B-san"???
Nuriko: Because, Crab-boy, I'm special.
A-chan: Oh, my goodness, where's Tasuki??
(Slowly all of A-chan's male concubines regained consciousness. Everyone, including Luche, returned to their regular forms. A-chan dismissed the idea of treating Ban like a human after 1 week, and all in her harem returned to normal. The space in A-chan's heart that once belonged to Tasuki was filled by the undying attention and love given to her by Happosai.)
*FINALLY* THE END.